Losing my cool and afraid to hire a babysitter…

Since my baby was born and the pandemic started a month after, I haven’t really had a break…and yes, my husband and I usually take turns to stay with him so we can have some “me time”, I mean… it’s usually not the longest and greatest “me time” haha but something is something right?.

I feel that parenting has been taking a toll on me lately. I just feel like the worst mum in the world because I have been shouting more than usual and not really keeping my cool towards my 16 month’s old screaming tantrums. He is going through this crazy screaming phase, and has been very stubborn lately. My guess… is that he feels frustrated because he still doesn’t know how to speak yet haha. He only says a few words and I mean, i can’t blame him! it must be very stressful to not being able to communicate exactly what you need, that’s for sure.

But the real problem is that I am finding myself with less patience than before and I even struggle to do the count to ten and breathe technique haha and I’m pretty sure that it’s because I haven’t really had a break since he was born.

I literally need a break and no, I am not talking about having some “me time” or having time to take a fucking shower or going to the supermarket alone and then feeling guilty after doing it.

I mean… a proper break, a going somewhere else break. I just feel exhausted, and I never thought that I was gonna say this but I NEED help.

Having no family around to sometimes give us a hand has been extremely challenging and draining for my husband and I and for our relationship. Its been hard and It almost feels that we have become distant. We are usually very stressed and tired all the time and we have very little time to be alone with each other.

Now, the big problem is that for some strange reason I am terrified of hiring a babysitter. I am genuinely scared because it doesn’t matter how many qualifications or experience a babysitter might have, I still don’t trust no one other than myself or my husband.

I really suffer from trust issues and I seriously trust no one. Don’t know exactly where this came from but I really think of the worst case scenario most of the times (I blame it on the serial killer documentaries or thrillers I have watched in the past haha) or maybe it has to do with my anxiety disorder, who knows!.

I don’t know how other mums do to cope with the guilt and anxiety about living their kids with other people, I sometimes ask myself what the issue is with me?, why I feel so anxious about leaving my child with someone else for few hours?. Why I feel so guilty about having some time for myself?.

The only thing I am aware of is that I gotta tackle this fear and just go for it!. I need to for the sake of my mental health. I need some time to recharge.

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